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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards