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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.