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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.