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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."