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I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."