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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.