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I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
I am hungry 25 hours a day
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.