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Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"