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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.