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5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?