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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.