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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Relationship Status: eating
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.