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I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.