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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.