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My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?