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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Hard butter is the devil.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t