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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.