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How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.