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Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...