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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?