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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
“I saw that.” -Karma
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".