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Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.