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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.