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Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Trust me, I am a liar.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
How Big is Infinity?