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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there