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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
When in doubt, procrastinate.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.