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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow