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I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.