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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.