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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.