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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
My misery likes tequila, not company.