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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?