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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?