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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.