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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?