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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?