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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.