Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".