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Haters gonna hate, your honor
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?