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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?