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I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!