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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I only accept apologies in cash.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels