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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what