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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.