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real eyes realize real lies
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."