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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I should come with a warning label.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.