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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
My cardio is shopping.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.