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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.