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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.