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Never trust a skinny chef
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.