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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.