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As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis