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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.