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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.