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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.