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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss