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I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.