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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.